Sunday, February 6, 2011

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Fertile

j0409360 Fertility can be a four-letter-word to woman who struggles to conceive. I realize, as I write, this is a highly sensitive topic in this regard as I have interacted with women who desire so strongly to become moms and are unable to.  I write, not as one with knowledge, or experience with this subject, but as the person on the other side of the coin.  I may not post this piece at all. Maybe I’ll just write it all out, shelve it and revisit it at a later date…this is a topic that makes me jittery to write. Simply because it is hard to see another woman who so desires the experience of motherhood, the very same experience that has shaped my thoughts, feelings and behavior…the very same experience by which, I cannot imagine my life without.

I, will in no, way poo-poo another woman’s want for children, nor will I claim to understand her pain. I’ve listened to  these special women express their hurt to me, and I’ve responded in kind…in hugs and williness to listen.

In the same stead, the expressions I’ve listened to over the years, have been accusatory at times, in tone and out right.  My offense unintentional. My fertility, by standards, becomes something I do not deserve to have. I get that, it’s grief talking. I understand the anger comes from a place of deep hurt. It’s when grief and anger permanently colors perception into belief, that one does not deserve children, because it’s desired “more” on the other side…is why I write this post.

Honestly…I don’t feel guilty about my fertility, I mean that as a statement of fact. How can I? It is something I have no control over. I try in life to see things as they are. I do my best to be self-aware. And as a woman, a mother…guilt is dark cloud that follows you around. Whether  that cloud is created by the condensation of others, or yourself, is something that has to be determined by honest self-assessment.  And honestly, I am not “undeserving” because I CAN have children, and those who can’t, are not “undeserving" by the same principle. 

One person’s lack shouldn't be another person’s stigma, more so in the sense of physical characteristics.  As women, we really need each other’s support. We need to look at each other as a source of comfort, not blame, nor judgment. And do our best to take a little bit of experience from those we meet, those in our lives and incorporate it into our life experiences.

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